BLOGCast: The Big 3-0…The Ups, Downs, and In-Betweens

30-logo-fullIt’s hard to put into words the thoughts that are swirling in my head right now. Sometimes, I hate being up late trying to gather my thoughts. However, it is always good to get them out, write them down, and vent. Hard to believe that I will be officially saying GOODBYE to my twenties soon. No, I am not feeling old, or about to suffer a junior mid-life crisis. I am excited to celebrate the milestone with my friends. It also is making me look back on some moments of my life I hate revisiting, but it sort of helped mold me as to who I am today.

I definitely have never been perfect. Hell, I was never outgoing at all. My mom would always tell me stories about how I would be in pre-school, and never wanted to interact with any of the other kids. I would sit in the corner and just be by myself. Not much changed as I got older. I was still a bit of a loner. I didn’t know how to interact with people, or stick up for myself when I was bullied heavily. I guess that happens when you don’t have a strong parental system in the house. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents very much. However, it’s hard when you don’t have two parents in the household, or not having a father around to help mold you into being a man. It definitely took a toll on me. I commend those who are single parents to their kids and are making it work and being there for them all the time. My mom definitely did the damn thing raising me and my sister, but I am sure she got plenty of stressed out at me and her both! HA!

As time went on, I still didn’t know how to act. In fact, I tried to act like OTHER people to fit in and be accepted. It not only hurt me, but others around me as well. I lacked self-esteem. Not even lacked it, I barely HAD it. Shocking, isn’t it? I was too wound up on what everyone thought of me, tried to hard to fit in a specific crowd that I couldn’t see that I was not being myself, and people hated me for it. Myself included. For that, I am sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone. I am especially sorry for myself that I never realized until my final year in high school that if people did not like me for me, then they were not worthy of my time. For that, they could piss off.

After graduation, I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do with my life. I wanted to do THIS, or THAT, or the other thing when it came to school/work. I’ve always wanted to work with computers. It’s been on my mind forever. After taking a year off, I sort of cut myself off from the world. I didn’t want to be around anybody. I kept to myself and my room for pretty much…ever. After finally finding work, it pretty much was my life. I did nothing but work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat, folks. I think I definitely used online as an escape for a long time that I did not BREATHE fresh air. I mean, getting away from real life and being in a computer world seemed easy. Way too easy.

After 4 years of doing this, things began changing. I got moved into the pharmacy. I started becoming more…open. A shell began to break. I really do not know how it got started, but it happened. No, that’s a lie. I know how it happened. When I was introduced to creating and recording podcasts, I suddenly was able to find a voice for myself. I finally started doing something I REALLY love doing. I thank Roger Newcomb for helping me find that niche for me. However, I was still quite embarrassed to tell people about doing online radio talk shows, not to mention what about. I never brought myself to say it. *I* knew, though. That was enough for me. I never felt that way. Look at me, crew. I’m growing!

Not only did the podcast enter my life, I got a car, started finally driving myself everywhere I wanted to go w/o a clutch, met new people, and slowly becoming more sociable. That was a bit scary, but fun at the same time! I am still breaking out of that shell every day, and I am 30 (in less than 24 hours). There are still some things I need to learn. I’m sure I will continue to.

Why did I write this dictating my life story? Because out of all the things I did and did not do in my life, I would not change a thing. It really helped me as a person on how I need to be around people. I never would have thought I would be a sociable person. I never thought I would do a podcast 8 years in counting. I never thought I actually have the balls to pretty much say, “If you don’t like me, if you don’t like my opinions and such, there is the door and shut it on the way out!” All of this came later on life, but hey, at least I learned. Still am.

I love everyone that has come into my life over the past 30 years. To the ones that left, there is a reason why you did, but you also were a teaching spot for me in the process. So, I thank you….not for being douches, but for helping me grow.

So, here I am, 30 years old. Working at Walgreens in the pharmacy, hosting a podcast, going to places and meeting people and loving life. YEP, wouldn’t change a thing at ALL.

Thanks! Love to all.

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